A Zombie Apocalypse Survival Guide for the Already-Tired Filipino: Surrender is my Cardio

Okay, let’s be real. Zombies are out for brains, right? So, you’re thinking, “Advantage, me!”

I feel you. This economy? The daily commute? Toxic tita drama? We’re already zombie-adjacent most days. Adding actual flesh-eating monsters to the mix? Pass.

But what if, and hear me out, surrendering to the horde isn’t just an option, it’s a strategy?

Why Playing Dead (Literally) Might be the Move:

• Zero Effort Required: Let’s be honest, prepping for a zombie apocalypse sounds exhausting. Building a bunker? Learning parkour? Nah. I’d rather just eat the last of my pantry stash and wait for the inevitable.
• Instant Weight Loss Program: No more need for that pricey gym membership or those questionable diet fads. The zombies will chase you, and voila! Instant cardio, albeit with a slightly higher risk of being eaten.
• Debt Forgiveness: Who’s gonna collect on those utang when everyone’s a zombie? Bye-bye credit card bills, hello afterlife!
• Traffic? Not Anymore: Imagine EDSA, completely empty. No more rush hour, no more jeepney jostling. Just you, the open road, and maybe a handful of groaning zombies. Peaceful, even.

Okay, Joking Aside (Medyo Lang): A Tiny Spark of Hope for Survival

Alright, alright, I get it. Deep down, even the most “suko na” Pinoy has a sliver of fighting spirit.

So, if the thought of becoming zombie chow doesn’t exactly thrill you, here are some survival tips tailored for the Filipino spirit:

1. “Bayanihan” over “Bahala Na”:

• Forget that “every man for himself” nonsense. We Filipinos thrive on community. Find your kapitbahays, your barkada, your long-lost titas from the province, and band together.
• Remember those times Tita Baby’s house flooded? We all helped clean up, right? Same energy, but with less muddy water and more groaning undead.

2. Weaponize Your Tsinelas (and Other Household Items):

• Guns? Ammo? Please. We’re Filipinos. We improvise. Remember Lola’s trusty tsinelas? Deadly. That walis tambo in the corner? Instant spear.
• And the best part? We already know how to use them. Zombie horde coming at you? Throw the tsinelas with the precision of a thousand angry nanays. They won’t know what hit them.

3. Food? Don’t Worry, We Got This:

• Forget fancy survival rations. We Filipinos can make a feast out of anything. Canned goods? Check. Dried fish? Double-check.
• And if all else fails, there’s always the “instant noodles and hot water” combo. Works every time. Just make sure you’ve got a way to boil water. Or a really good sense of humor.

4. Finding Shelter, Pinoy Style:

• Concrete houses? Too obvious. Plus, have you ever experienced a brownout during summer? We Filipinos are masters of ventilation.
• Think outside the box. Or, in this case, inside the bahay kubo. Nipa huts are surprisingly zombie-resistant. And if all else fails, there’s always the sari-sari store down the street. Just gotta sweet-talk Aling Nena.

5. Entertainment? We’ve got you covered:

• Okay, so maybe Netflix is down. No worries. We’ve got karaoke, card games (pusoy, anyone?), and enough chismis to last until the next apocalypse.
• Plus, imagine the stories we can tell our grandkids. “Back in my day, we didn’t have internet during a zombie apocalypse! We had to entertain ourselves!”

But Real Talk:

• Have a Plan (Kahit Konti): I know, I know, planning is not our strongest suit. But seriously, having even a vague idea of where you’d go, who you’d call, and what you’d do could make all the difference.
• Learn Some Basic Skills: I’m not saying you need to become Bear Grylls overnight. But knowing how to start a fire, find clean water, and bandage a wound? Those are actually useful skills, zombie apocalypse or not.
• Don’t Panic (Too Much): Look, panicking never helped anyone. Except maybe those zombie extras in movies. And we’re better than those guys. So, keep calm, assess the situation, and remember: we Filipinos are resilient. We’ve survived worse. We can survive this too. Maybe.

So, there you have it. A zombie apocalypse survival guide for the Filipino soul. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go perfect my tsinelas-throwing technique. You know, just in case.