Okay, mga ‘tol, let’s get real. Zombies. Walking dead. The living craving kaps. It’s the stuff of nightmares, right? Pero what if, knock on wood di ba , it actually happens?
You see the news, social media’s going bonkers, Tita Susan from Chicago is even calling about it. This ain’t no fake news, it’s a full-blown zombie apocalypse! So, anong gagawin natin? Panic? Cry? Raid the nearest Jollibee for one last Chickenjoy blowout?
Hold your horses, my friend. We Filipinos? We’re made of stronger stuff. Diskarte is in our blood. We can totally MacGyver our way out of this gulo.
Let’s break down this zombie survival guide, Pinoy style.
Step 1: “Ay, Kabayo!” – The Initial Freak Out
Let’s be honest, the first 24 hours? Pure chaos. It’s gonna be like trying to get a pasada during rush hour, everyone’s scrambling, shouting, and probably wearing their pajamas in public.
Here’s the game plan:
- Don’t panic (too much): Easier said than done, I know. But panicking will get you bitten, and nobody wants to be a zombie extra in this movie.
- Family First: Call your loved ones, gather them up. If you’re in Greenhills and your lola is in Quiapo, it’s time to channel your inner Waze and plot the safest route. Remember, traffic rules? Out the window. Zombies don’t care about red lights.
- Essentials, Bilis! : This is not the time to pack your entire balikbayan box collection. Grab the essentials:
- Water: Imagine the longest brownout ever. Yep, that’s how important water is.
- Food: Canned goods, instant noodles, anything with a long shelf life. And yes, even that last pack of SkyFlakes.
- First Aid Kit: We’re talking betadine, bandages, paracetamol… the works.
- Weapons: Itak, bolo, baseball bat, even that rusty tsinelas. Anything to give you an edge. Remember, zombies are like sisiw compared to a tita scorned.
- Find a Safe House: Ideally, somewhere secure, away from the madaming tao . A friend’s house in the province, a well-stocked sari-sari store, even your old treehouse (if it’s still standing).
Step 2: “Diskarte Time” – Adapting to the New Normal
Congratulations! You survived the initial outbreak. Now, the real survival game begins. Forget paying bills, your new currency is resourcefulness.
Here’s how we level up:
- Security is Key: Zombies are like pesky langaws. You gotta fortify your safe house, para sigurado. Board up windows, set traps, maybe even learn how to make a bamboo fence that would make your lolo proud.
- Community is King: Remember bayanihan? Time to put that spirit into action! Find other survivors, pool resources, and create a mini-community. Plus, sharing stories around a bonfire? Way more fun than facing the undead alone.
- Skills to Pay the (Undead) Bills: Gone are the days of online shopping and GrabFood. It’s time to dust off those old-school skills:
- Gardening: Goodbye, instant pancit canton. Hello, kamote and malunggay !
- Basic First Aid: A sprained ankle shouldn’t turn you into zombie chow. Learn how to patch yourselves up.
- Self-Defense: Krav Maga, arnis, even taekwondo from watching too many Jackie Chan movies – every bit helps. Remember, zombies are slow. Use that to your advantage.
Step 3: “Laban Lang!” – Surviving Day-to-Day
Living in a zombie apocalypse is like riding a jeepney with no brakes, except the jeepney is on fire, and there are zombies chasing you. It’s wild, it’s unpredictable, and it’s important to stay alert.
Here’s how we navigate this wild ride:
- Scavenging Like a Pro: Malls are the new supermarkets, but instead of sale tags, you’re looking for canned goods, medicine, and maybe a new pair of slippers. Always be prepared. Remember:
- Go in a group: Mas marami, mas masaya, and safer.
- Be stealthy: Zombies are attracted to noise, kind of like your tita during a chismis session.
- Only take what you need: ’Wag maging sakim. Leave some supplies for other survivors.
- Stay Informed: A working radio is your new best friend. Listen for any news, updates, or maybe even a distress signal from other survivors.
- Never Let Your Guard Down: Just because things seem calm doesn’t mean it’s time for a karaoke session. Always be aware of your surroundings.
Step 4: “Pusong Pinoy” – Holding onto Hope
The zombie apocalypse might be a nightmare, but even in the darkest of times, Filipinos? We find a way to smile.
Here’s how we keep the Pinoy spirit alive:
- Humor is our Superpower: Even in the face of danger, Filipinos always find a way to laugh. Cracking jokes, sharing funny stories, even making fun of the zombies themselves. It’s how we cope, and it’s what keeps us going.
- Bayanihan, Always: Remember, we’re in this together. Helping each other, sharing resources, and looking out for one another is what makes us strong.
- Never Give Up Hope: Filipinos are known for our resilience. We’ve survived typhoons, earthquakes, and even traffic on EDSA. A zombie apocalypse? We got this.
Bonus Round: Things You Wish You Could Do in a Zombie Apocalypse (But Probably Shouldn’t)
- Challenge the Tikbalang to a dance-off: Hey, if we’re facing the undead, might as well take on some mythical creatures too, right? Just make sure you have enough saging as an offering.
- Convince the zombies to join your Zumba class: Imagine a horde of zombies doing the “Spaghetti” dance. It’ll be the most entertaining apocalypse ever!
- Barter pancit for safe passage: You know what they say, the way to a zombie’s heart is through its stomach. Or maybe that’s just us Filipinos.
The Takeaway
The zombie apocalypse may seem like the end of the world, but for Filipinos, it’s just another challenge to overcome. With our resourcefulness, our sense of community, and our unwavering optimism, we can survive anything, even a horde of brain-eating monsters.
Remember, mga kapitbahay, in the words of every inspiring Pinoy drama ever: Wag susuko! Laban lang! Kaya natin ‘to!