Surviving the Zombie Apocalypse? Nah, Pass!

Let’s be real, mga ‘tol. Have you seen the price of gas lately? And instant noodles? The struggle is REAL even without a zombie apocalypse. Now add a horde of usog-stricken, lakwatsa-loving undead to the mix… Aba, nakakapagod! Running around, scavenging for food that’s probably expired anyway (because let’s face it, who here is REALLY using the FIFO method in their pantries? Don’t lie.), and living in constant fear?

Ako? I’d rather volunteer myself as zombie chow.

“But why?!” You ask, aghast, clutching your rosary and your walis tambo (you know, just in case).

Listen, pare, let me break it down for you:

The Struggle is Real, Even Before the Apocalypse

• Traffic: We Filipinos are masters of navigating EDSA carmageddon, but even we have our limits. Now imagine those cars filled with gutom zombies instead of stressed-out drivers. Nope, no thanks.
• Food Shortages: Finding your favorite Lucky Me! flavor is already a challenge on a good day. Imagine the horror of scouring a deserted 7-Eleven only to find dilis and tuyo left on the shelves. Hard pass!
• Family Matters: We Filipinos are family-oriented, oo nga. But keeping your Tita Baby, who can’t even handle a brownout, safe from a horde of flesh-eating monsters? That’s above my pay grade.
• The Heat: Let’s be real, the Philippine heat is brutal enough without having to outrun a bunch of sweaty, decaying zombies. Imagine the smell!

The Joys of Becoming Zombie-fied

Now, I know what you’re thinking: “But becoming a zombie means losing your humanity!”

First of all, have you met some people? Kidding, kidding (not really)!

But seriously, think about it:

• No More Bills: Say goodbye to Meralco bills, Maynilad woes, and credit card debts! Who needs money when you crave brains? (Not that I’m saying brains are the new currency…or am I?)
• No More Drama: Tita drama? Work deadlines? Relationship woes? All gone! You’re a zombie now. The only thing you need to worry about is where your next meal is coming from (hint: it’s probably the person running away screaming).
• Simple Life: Remember the days when your biggest problem was deciding between sinigang or adobo? Being a zombie brings you back to basics: hunger, shuffling, and the occasional groan. Simple as that.
• Instant Barkada: You’ll never be alone again! Sure, your new friends might be a little… different. But hey, at least you’ll have someone to share your next kaldereta victim with!

Okay, Okay, I’m Kidding… Mostly

Look, I’m all for humor in the face of danger. It’s kind of our thing here in the Philippines, right? But even I know that surviving a zombie apocalypse is no laughing matter (unless you count the nervous laughter).

So, if you’re like me, and the thought of facing a zombie horde makes you want to surrender your ID and sing “Lupang Hinirang” one last time, here’s the truth:

You gotta fight!

Laban Lang! How to (Maybe) Survive the Zombie Apocalypse

1. Channel Your Inner Hero:

Remember all those Pinoy action movies you grew up watching? FPJ? Robin Padilla? It’s time to channel their energy! They faced down bad guys with nothing but a bolo and a prayer. You can too!

2. Teamwork Makes the Dream Work:

Remember bayanihan? That Filipino spirit of cooperation? This is where it comes in handy. Grab your kapitbahay, your ninong, your friendly neighborhood taho vendor – every warm body counts!

3. Improvise. Adapt. Overcome:

Remember that time you turned a tabo into a showerhead? Or used a tsinelas to kill a cockroach? Filipinos are masters of resourcefulness! Get creative with your defenses. Use that walis tambo like a pro! Turn your karaoke machine into a siren!

4. Don’t Forget the Essentials:

I’m talking about patis, toyo, and bagoong. Hey, even zombies need a little flavor in their diet, right? And who knows, maybe you can distract them with a hearty serving of adobo. Food coma works on the living, maybe it works on the undead too?

5. Never Lose Hope:

Look, I know things seem bleak. But we Filipinos are a resilient bunch! We survived Spanish colonization, Japanese occupation, and countless typhoons. We can survive this too!

In All Seriousness…

Jokes aside, the thought of a zombie apocalypse is scary. But it’s also a good reminder to be prepared. Have a plan, a go-bag, and learn some basic survival skills. You never know when you’ll need them.

And hey, if all else fails, maybe we can bribe the zombies with some lechon? It’s worth a shot, right?

Stay safe, mga ‘tol! And always remember, “Bahala na si Batman!” (Because let’s face it, he’s probably got a plan for this too).