Takbo! How To Survive a Zombie Apocalypse With The Cardio of a Lumpia

Okay, let’s be real. You see those kalasag guys in the movies, jumping from building to building like they’re auditioning for Darna? Yeah, that’s not me. I’m more of the “hide behind the tindahan and pray” kind of person.

But hey, even if we’re not all blessed with the athleticism of a Carlos Yulo, doesn’t mean we can’t survive a zombie apocalypse. So, grab your lugaw, find a comfy spot na hindi masyadong madilim (you know, for obvious reasons), and let’s dive into this survival guide na swak na swak sa ating mga normal people.

1. Cardio is King (or at Least a Barangay Tanod)

Look, I get it. Running? In this economy? Pero, my friend, when a horde of hungry zombies is chasing you faster than tsismis spreads in a barangay, you’ll wish you did some cardio.

• Start slow: Hindi naman kailangan agad-agad marathon. Brisk walking around the village, maybe jogging in place while watching FPJ – every step counts!
• Find a workout buddy: Mas masaya mag-workout pag may kasama, diba? Plus, they can act as zombie bait if things go south. Char! (But seriously, safety in numbers, folks!)
• Make it fun: Nobody wants to suffer through boring workouts. Dance to your favorite budots playlist, chase after the ice cream vendor – find what works for you!

2. Baon System: What to Pack When Every Day Feels Like Fiesta

Imagine this: you’re on the run, adrenaline pumping, zombies hot on your tail… and then your stomach starts growling louder than a karaoke session after a case of Red Horse. Not a vibe.

Here’s what you need to pack:

• Non-perishable Food: Canned goods, instant noodles, biscuits, chocolates (for morale, obviously) – anything that can last longer than your last relationship.
• Water, Water, Water: Dehydration is a real party pooper, especially during a zombie apocalypse. Always have enough water.
• First-Aid Kit: Bumps, bruises, and zombie bites (hopefully not!) – you need to be prepared. Pack bandages, antiseptic, pain relievers, and other essentials.
• Multi-Tool Knife: This is your best friend. From opening cans to defending yourself against a stray aswang who also heard about the apocalypse, a multi-tool is essential.
• Lighter/Matches: Fire equals warmth, cooked food, and (hopefully) scared zombies. Just be careful, we don’t want to start another Great Fire of Manila situation.
• Extra Clothes: You wouldn’t believe how quickly clothes get sweaty and smelly when you’re running from the undead.

3. Shelter: Finding Your Fortress of Solitude (Minus the Loneliness, Sana)

So, you’ve been doing your cardio, you’ve got your baon ready, but where will you sleep? Sa gitna ng kalsada? Don’t even think about it!

Here are some options:

• Your Own Home: If it’s safe and secure, your home can be your best bet. Reinforce doors and windows, clear any potential zombie hiding spots, and set up an escape route just in case.
• Relatives’ or Friends’ Houses: Time to call in those utang na loob! But seriously, if you can safely reach a friend or relative’s house, that’s a good option.
• Abandoned Buildings: Think outside the box – or in this case, inside an abandoned building. Just make sure it’s structurally sound and not already infested with zombies or other survivors who haven’t showered in weeks.

4. Weapons: Because Sometimes, Talking Doesn’t Cut It (Literally)

Look, I believe in peace, okay? But zombies don’t understand “peace” or “please” or even “pautang muna, sahod na sa Friday.” So, yeah, you need weapons.

• Improvise! Remember that walis tambo you use for pang-hampas sa ipis? Yeah, that can be a weapon. A sturdy stick, a frying pan, a rolling pin (especially if it’s your lola’s) – get creative!
• Learn Basic Self-Defense: Enroll in a self-defense class ASAP! Knowing how to throw a punch or disable an attacker (living or undead) can be a lifesaver.
• Firearms (If You Can Find Them and Know How to Use Them Safely): This is tricky. Guns can be dangerous if not handled properly. But hey, if you’re comfortable with firearms and can find them, it’s an option. Just remember, safety first!

5. Community: No Man is an Island, Especially During a Zombie Apocalypse

Remember that saying, “it takes a village”? Well, it also takes a village to survive a zombie apocalypse.

• Find Your People: Connect with other survivors, whether it’s your neighbors, former classmates, or that friendly tindera sa palengke. There’s strength in numbers!
• Delegate Tasks: Not everyone can be a warrior, some are better at cooking, first aid, or even morale boosting. Identify everyone’s strengths and work together!
• Establish Rules and Boundaries: This is crucial for maintaining order and preventing chaos. Who gets what resources, how to handle disagreements, what to do with… well, the zombies.

6. Mental Fortitude: Because This Isn’t a Teleserye, This is Real Life (Well, Kinda)

Surviving a zombie apocalypse isn’t just about physical strength, it’s also about mental toughness.

• Stay Positive: I know, I know, easier said than done. But finding moments of joy amidst the chaos can be the difference between giving up and pushing forward.
• Find Ways to De-stress: Singing, drawing, writing, talking to someone you trust – find healthy ways to cope with stress.
• Don’t Give Up Hope!: Even when things seem bleak, remember that hope is a powerful motivator. Hold onto the belief that things will get better, because they will. Eventually.

7. Bonus Tip: Learn Some Essential Zombie Slang

Hey, if you’re gonna be living through a zombie apocalypse, you might as well sound cool while doing it!

• “Lakad-Lakad Gang”: Used to describe a group of zombies aimlessly roaming around. “Uy, ingat, may lakad-lakad gang sa kanto.”
• “Gutom na Gutom Gang”: These are the zombies you REALLY want to avoid. They’re fast, aggressive, and always hungry for… you guessed it… brains!
• “Na-Zombify”: The unfortunate fate of becoming a zombie. “Sayang si manong, na-zombify na.”
• “Zombie-Proof”: Something that is resistant to zombie attacks. “Naka-zombie-proof na ba yung bahay niyo?”

You Got This!

Look, I won’t lie, surviving a zombie apocalypse won’t be easy. It’ll be tough, scary, and probably involve a lot of running. But with a little preparation, a lot of courage, and maybe a dash of Filipino ingenuity, even us “normies” can make it out alive.

So, go out there, train hard, be prepared, and who knows? Maybe one day, we’ll be sharing our zombie apocalypse survival stories over some isaw and Red Horse. Cheers to that!