The Bawi-sa-Next-Life Guide to (Probably Not) Surviving a Zombie Apocalypse

Okay, let’s be real. A zombie apocalypse hits, and you think I’m gonna channel my inner FPJ, agad-agad? Nope. My survival instinct is powered by Mang Juan more than adrenaline. “Bahala na si Batman,” is my theme song, not “Eye of the Tiger.”

But for you, dear reader, who isn’t resigned to becoming a zombie’s merienda, let’s explore this “surviving” thing. You know, just in case the kare-kare cravings aren’t strong enough to join the undead horde just yet.

Step 1: Tanggapin ang Katotohanan (Accept the Truth, Sis!)

The world is now an all-you-can-eat buffet for brain-munchers. No more online shopping, no more samgyupsal dates, and your boss’s annoying emails? GONE. Liberating? Maybe. Terrifying? Definitely.

Signs you’re in a Pinoy Zombie Apocalypse (because it’s different here):

• The usual traffic is now caused by zombies, not rush hour.
• Titas are forming a neighborhood watch armed with walis tambo and tsinelas.
• The last three sari-sari stores you raided are out of instant noodles and corned beef.

Step 2: Channel Your Inner Diskarte Queen (King?)

Filipinos? We’re built for this. We survived Spanish colonization, Japanese occupation, and Tita Baby’s reunion planning – a zombie apocalypse? Challenge accepted (sort of).

Essential Pinoy Survival Skills:

• Resourcefulness: Empty plastic bottles? Water containers. Old newspapers? Firestarter (or toilet paper, no judgment). We can make do with anything, like we always have.
• Bayanihan Spirit: Remember that time Tindahan Tony let you “utang” for pan de sal? Time to return the favor. Helping each other is our superpower.
• Diskarte: Finding a way, even when wala na talagang way, is in our DNA. MacGyver? Amateur. We’ve been doing this since the first jeepney was assembled.

Step 3: Baon-Building for the End of the World (It’s Like Baon, But More Intense)

Forget your fancy go-bags, my friend. This is the Philippines, we adapt!

What every good Pinoy Zombie Apocalypse Survival Kit NEEDS:

• Water: Lots of it. Hydration is key, even when running from flesh-eating monsters.
• Canned Goods: Sardines, tuna, meatloaf – shelf-stable protein is your best friend. Bonus points for easy-open cans; no one wants to search for a can opener during a zombie horde chase.
• Instant Noodles/Rice: Carbs equal energy for all that running (or, let’s be honest, hiding).
• First Aid Kit: Because even zombies can’t stop those pesky lamok bites.
• Bolo: Multi-purpose tool. Clearing a path? Check. Self-defense? Check. Opening that stubborn can of corned beef? Check and check.
• Tsinelas: Comfortable AND deadly. Perfect for that “mabilis lang” run to the sari-sari store when you’re out of chilimansi.
• Alcohol: For disinfecting wounds…or disinfecting your feelings after a long day of surviving. No judgment here.
• Karaoke Microphone: Look, if we’re going down, we’re going down belting out our hearts. Plus, it doubles as a zombie-distracting device. Maybe.

Step 4: Location, Location, Location (Where Not to End Up as Zombie Chow)

Choosing the right location is crucial. Sorry, Titas, but your beautifully decorated living room with the “display only” china is NOT the best strategic stronghold.

Good Locations (Maybe, No Guarantees):

• Provinces: Less people, more rice fields to hide in. Just watch out for the tikbalang; they’re cranky even without a zombie apocalypse.
• Remote Islands: Surrounded by water? Zombies can’t swim (we think). Pack extra sunblock.
• SM Malls: Hear me out! They’re basically fortresses with food courts. Just avoid the zombie hordes drawn by the smell of Jollibee chicken.

Step 5: The Art of Not Getting Eaten (Or: How to Outsmart the Undead)

Okay, time for some real talk. You’ve got your baon, you’ve found your (hopefully) safe haven, now what?

Zombie Apocalypse Survival Tips for the Bawi-sa-Next-Life Believer:

• Blending In: Zombies crave brains. Time to embrace your inner “walang pakialam” attitude. The less you react, the less likely they’ll notice you. Maybe.
• Cardio is Key: Remember all those zumba classes Tita Alice dragged you to? Thank her now. You need stamina, not just for running, but for the inevitable climb for that last can of Spam in the grocery store.
• Embrace the Power of “Po” and “Opo”: Respect goes a long way, even with zombies. Maybe they’ll appreciate your good manners and go for the rude survivors first. (Don’t quote me on this one).

Step 6: Maintaining Your Sanity (When Everything is Wala Nang Kwenta)

So you’ve survived a week. A month? A year? Congratulations, you’re a rockstar! Now, how do you prevent yourself from turning into a telenovela villain?

Mental Health in the Zombie Apocalypse? Valid:

• Find Your Tribe: Hoard people, not just things. Human connection is crucial. Plus, laughing at bad jokes is therapeutic, even when it’s the end of the world.
• Celebrate Small Victories: Found a working karaoke machine? VICTORY! Successfully avoided a zombie horde? VICTORY! Every breath is a win in this scenario.
• Hold onto Hope (Konting-Konti Lang): Okay, maybe this life is a wash, but a little hope never hurt anyone. Who knows? Maybe, just maybe, things will get better. Eventually.

In Conclusion (Or, What Now?)

Look, surviving a zombie apocalypse when your mantra is “bawi na lang sa next life” is tough. But hey, maybe that’s our secret weapon. We’ve been through worse, right? We’ve endured, we’ve adapted, and we’ve found humor even in the direst situations.

So, if you find yourself facing a horde of hungry zombies, remember this: you’re a Pinoy. Resourceful, resilient, and maybe just a little bit lucky. And hey, if all else fails, there’s always the next life, diba?

This guide is obviously just for laughs. If a real zombie apocalypse happens (knock on wood), please refer to actual survival guides. Stay safe out there! Char!